There’s a great misunderstanding plaguing our culinary
landscape, one that has left many of us sweating, crying, and questioning our
life choices in the middle of restaurants that describe themselves as “casual
dining.” It is the assumption that if you say you like spicy food, you are
automatically volunteering to enter the Hunger Games.
Let’s clear this up: I like spicy. I do not like signing a
medical waiver to consume lunch.
Somewhere along the way, “spicy” was kidnapped by
extremists. It became less about taste and more about proving oneself in a
gladiator arena constructed entirely of ghost peppers and poor decisions. Now,
simply admitting you enjoy a Bloody Mary with zing or a spirited buffalo wing
is enough to have someone challenge you to eat something called “The
Widowmaker” or “Satan’s Toenail.”
I’m sorry, why? How is this hospitality?
Here’s the truth: I love spicy flavor. Flavor. You know,
that thing that makes food good? Give me wasabi that clears my sinuses just
enough to remind me I’m alive, but not enough to send me into a dissociative
episode. Give me a buffalo wing that bites back a little.
But somewhere along the line, the spice world split into two
camps: Camp A is comprised of people who enjoy eating. Camp B is comprised of people
who think eating should be an extreme sport. Camp A respects boundaries. It
says, “Let’s heighten flavor.” Camp B says, “Let’s heighten your blood
pressure, your body temperature, and your sense of regret.”
I want to savor my food, not sign an affidavit saying I
won’t sue if my tongue falls off.
Wasabi is the perfect example. It’s dramatic, but it also
knows when to leave. It hits, it hollers, it bows politely and exits. It’s the
Meryl Streep of condiments. Meanwhile, some hot sauces cling to your taste buds
like a guest who doesn’t know when it’s time to say goodnight. Long after the
meal is over, you’re still dealing with the consequences.
And don’t get me started on restaurants that brag about
their “Level 10 Heat Challenge,” complete with a wall of fame showcasing people
who look like they’ve just seen the face of God, and not in a peaceful way. Their
smiling photos say, “Please validate me” but their eyes say, “I’ve made a
mistake.”
I am not here to ascend to a higher plane of suffering. I
just want dinner.
Spice, when used correctly, is delicious. It brings
character, brightness, zing. It elevates. It adds personality. It reminds you
that food is supposed to be fun, not a dare, not a threat, and definitely not a
path to enlightenment through gastrointestinal distress.
So to all the chefs, friends, and well-meaning spice
evangelists, if I say I like spicy food, do not challenge me to mortal combat. Just
pass the wasabi, the buffalo sauce, the fra diavolo. Let’s keep things lively,
not life-threatening.
After all, eating should be satisfying. Not an
accomplishment.