ROBERT: Bob, all I’m saying is, no one is going to see a movie called The Adventures of Spaceboy and Alien Lizard Girl.
BOB: Look, Robert, we have only three weeks left to finish this draft. If you’re going to insult me every five seconds, you’re going to stifle my comedic impulse.
THERAPIST: So is this project why you two are in therapy together?
ROBERT: No shit, Sarah.
BOB: I’m sorry, Sarah, my writing partner has no regard for other people.
ROBERT: But I have regard for the craft, which is more than I can say about the nonsense you’ve been bringing me for the past few months.
BOB: Eye of the Galaxy is a pretentious title. We’re not making 2001: A Space Odyssey.
ROBERT: I dream of Sundance! I want to make cinema!
BOB: You want to make condescending trash.
THERAPIST:: Can we use “I” statements please?
BOB: I know you want to make condescending trash.
THERAPIST: Bob, please!
ROBERT: Yeah, Bob. Please.
BOB: She’s only taking your side because she knows you couldn’t write a relatable protagonist to save your life!
ROBERT: Excuse you! My protagonist won a Teen Choice Award!
BOB: Our protagonist! OUR protagonist!
ROBERT: You don’t even know what character development is!
BOB: Define character development. Go on, shut up and give me a half-decent definition of what character development is.
ROBERT: Yourdictionary.com defines character development as “the process of creating a believable character in fiction by giving the character depth and personality.”
BOB: Yeah man you nailed it.
ROBERT: Thanks partner. High five
BOB: Jesus, why do you have to high five so hard? You’re doing it on purpose, so I can’t type to write my movie!
ROBERT: So now you’re getting on me for being heavy-handed? Did you even read your first draft of Look! It’s the Sun? Could the ending have been any more obvious? Spoiler alert: they see the sun.
BOB: Well at least-- (Bob and Robert start yelling over one another)
THERAPIST: Gentleman, please! I don’t usually recommend this to my clients, but have you considered working on this project separately?
BOB AND ROBERT: …
BOB: What do you mean?
ROBERT: I don’t understand.
THERAPIST: You know, alone. You obviously have very different visions of what you want this movie-
THERAPIST: -film, to be. So how about you, Robert, write Eye of the Galaxy, and you, Bob, write The Adventures of Space Boy and Lizard Girl-
BOB: -Alien Lizard Girl.
THERAPIST: Right. So why don’t you each write your screenplays and submit them both to the studio and let them decide which film they’d rather produce?
ROBERT: See, now you don’t understand.
BOB: She doesn’t get it.
ROBERT: We’re writing partners.
BOB: We write together.
ROBERT: We’ve always written together.
BOB: We’re partners.
ROBERT: We stick together.
BOB: Through thick and thin.
ROBERT: In sickness and in health.
BOB: Even through Robert’s shit ideas.
ROBERT: I’ll kill you.
THERAPIST: I think I’ve figured out how to mend your relationship.
ROBERT: This oughta be good.
BOB: Can’t wait.
THERAPIST: You need to kiss him.
THERAPIST: There’s clearly some underlying tension here so I think we need to just let that out.
ROBERT: Can’t we just cry together or something?
BOB: Are you the doctor? Let’s do what the lady wants.
ROBERT: There’s no way I’m doing that.
THERAPIST: Why not?
BOB: Yeah, Robert, why not?
ROBERT: It’s pretty gay, isn’t it?
BOB: Don’t be homophobic, Robert. What about all those guys in college?
ROBERT: Shut up, Bob.
BOB: It’s just medicine, Robert. She’s a medical professional.
THERAPIST: Technically I’m a therapist, not a licensed psychiatrist. But I do believe that the two of you have some unresolved emotional issues here that if left repressed may have serious mental and physical consequences for both partners and result in severe damage to the relationship as well.
ROBERT: I don’t know...
BOB: Come on man, nothing else is working. She seems to know what she’s talking about. I think we should give it a try.
ROBERT: I never should have let you talk me into coming here. Fine, let’s get this over with.
They lean in to kiss. It’s a long, awkward moment. As they lean in, Robert gets more and more into it. When they’re just about to touch, Bob pulls away suddenly. Robert is bummed
BOB: I figured it out!
ROBERT: Me too. (But he means it differently)
BOB: What are you talking about?
ROBERT: What are YOU talking about?
BOB: The problems in our partnership! We don’t communicate enough! All this time, we’ve been ignoring each other’s needs. I need to take our work more seriously.
ROBERT:... Yes, that’s it I also just thought-
BOB: You thought that you needed to listen to my ideas more! No need to apologize Robert, all in the past.
BOB: What a relief! Now we can go back to the way it was, before we started fighting all the time. Exactly like it was.
ROBERT: Yay. Y’know what? I think I’m still a little mad at you so maybe we should, I don’t know, do it for real?
BOB: You still have unresolved tensions that you need to work out?
ROBERT: Oh yeah, I think I do. What do you think, Sarah?
THERAPIST: Oh this is way above my paygrade, you guys need some serious help. Would you look at the time, your hour is up!